The 100 Stages of Relationships

Some of you wanted to see this. For those of you that didn't, my apologies. One of my best friends --- Michael Wolford --- and I wrote these stages out last December. Here goes nothing.

The 100 Stages of Relationships
Michael Wolford and Jonathan Schultz

Preface
“I think there are 20 stages to relationships.”
This sentence, uttered by one of author Michael Wolford’s “Interpersonal Communications" classmates, sparked inspiration. “I always thought there were just three,” he replied, “dating, engagement, and marriage.”
Little did he know the depth of relationship stages he had undergone. The stages listed in this publication reflect years of field experience, pick-up lines, shutdowns, and repetition. Read on if you dare.

"Friend of a Friend"
1. Nothing
2. Seeing them on facebook.com
3. Actual visual sighting
4. Getting within 10 yards
5. Asking/paying/threatening a friend to introduce you

Acquaintance
6. Meeting them
7. Changing your routine to “run into them”
8. Paying attention to hygiene (and making sure your fly is up)
9. Practicing conversations
10. Dousing yourself with urine (like a male elk, to smell sweeter to the opposite sex)
11. “Running into” them
12. Talking about school/work/weather (non-meaningful conversation… Boring!!!)
13. Talking about sports and realizing you’re a moron
14. Getting their phone number and waiting at least ten minutes
15. Calling them and hanging up when their dad answers
16. Using a voice-altering machine to leave a voice message
17. Getting their email
18. Flooding their inbox with forwards about “what friends are,” “Touched by an Angel” being canceled, and amputees who will magically get money when you send the forward on, as well as forwards about Microsoft paying $250 for every time the forward is passed on
19. Seeing them somewhere other than work, school or the place you met them
20. Having a mutual acquaintance invite them on a group outing
21. Trying to make them jealous by hanging out with someone else
22. Ignoring them at above group outing
23. Pretending like you didn’t ignore them at above group outing
24. Getting angry when you see someone of your same gender getting within 10 yards of them
25. Sending mixed messages
26. Going on a second group outing with them
27. Approaching them
28. Spitting when you talk
29. Talking to them for more than 1 minute
30. Practicing meaningful, non-spitting conversations
31. Having a meaningful, non-spitting conversation

Friend
32. Personally asking them on a group outing
33. Not asking when their birthday is
34. Missing their birthday
35. Asking when their birthday is, even though someone else told you already
36. Realizing your mistake, and asking what their middle name is
37. Talking about a memory from childhood
38. Asking them to do something cliché, like going out to coffee or the movies JUST THE TWO OF YOU, pretending that somebody else might join you
39. After whittling down the excuses, going on said cliché date

Dating (from the guy's perspective)/"Just friends" (from the girl's perspective)
40. Having an awkward silence
41. Avoiding another awkward silence, resorting to non-meaningful conversation (weather/school/work)
42. Dropping them off without walking them to their door
43. Exercising
44. Buying a book on conversation starters
45. Smiling whenever they look toward you
46. Waving at them when they wave at somebody behind you
47. Downplaying yourself for a second “meeting” (date from guys perspective)
48. They accept your invitation on a second “meeting”
49. Thinking that they like you
50. Becoming overconfident
51. If you go to the same class, looking over their homework and saying it’s “pretty good”
52. Telling them you cried during “A Walk to Remember”
53. Joining their church’s small group
54. Asking them where they see themselves in ten years
55. Suddenly changing your life’s plans when they tell you theirs
56. Noting how much you have in common
57. You both go home for Christmas Break
58. Calling them 2 days late to say "Merry Christmas"
59. Arrange your schedule so you are in at least 1 class together
60. Sitting three seats away in above class
61. Sitting next to them in above class
62. Practicing telling them that you’re interested
63. Getting advice
64. Planning the DTR (Defining The Relationship) conversation
65. Multiple failed attempts at said conversation
66. Having "The Conversation"
67. They say they want to be “just friends”
68. Having no idea what “just friends” means... assuming it’s good, but knowing it’s bad
69. Repeat steps 31-66 until success
70. Talking to her dad about your relationship, and her brother who happens to be a Navy SEAL

REALLY Dating, Possibly Courting (from the guy's perspective)/"Good Friends" (from the girl's perspective)
71. Who knows how but…. SUCCESS!!!
72. Using the word “we” a lot
73. Planning recreation/entertainment together
74. Friends use the word “leash” when talking about you and significant other, especially when they think you aren’t listening
75. Talking about marriage
76. Ring shopping for fun
77. Going to their house for a major holiday
78. Trying to find out their ring size by getting them ski gloves in the heat of summer
79. Realizing ski gloves don’t have a ring size
80. They tell one of their friends their ring size while in next room
81. Paying said informant a hefty sum
82. Working for 2 months to be able to buy a ring
83. Living on ramen noodles
84. Spending 2 months’ salary on a ring
85. Returning said ring
86. Working another month
87. Buying the ring previous informant said was “a better choice”
88. Practicing the official conversations with her parents and herself
89. Asking the parents for their blessing
90. Buying the parents something that costs another month’s salary
91. They grudgingly accept your generous offer
92. Multiple failed proposal attempts
93. Propose

Engagement (from both perspectives)
94. Somehow, she accepts
95. Setting a time/date/budget
96. Working like a banshee
97. Asking people to be your groomsmen/ bridesmaids, and offending all other friends
98. Inviting everyone your immediate family knows
99. Getting slashed with a hockey stick at your bachelor party

Marriage
100! Get married